relationships

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Loose ends: Tied

May 13, 2010 in Mindpieces | Permalink

The re-con to Jay’s yesterday was alright. I got all my stuff back from his place finally. The only things left are my saved games on his xbox, but I doubt I’ll be getting those ever. With the addition of laundry and a few things from my apartment to take home, my car was literally full to bursting. It was nuts. I went to get lunch to take to Mom and I had to put it on the driver’s side floor then hold it with my left leg. Good thing I don’t drive a manual.

Overall, there were a few tears and then we hugged at the end of it all. I almost lost it there, but held it together. He, however was crying right after the hug. Then I left and had to get gas and he was going to Josh’s, but then he pulled in behind me in Exxon. That was more than a little awkward. I didn’t even know what to say. He asked if everything was okay, and I replied “Why would I be okay?” It kinda shut him up for a second and then I stopped the gas pump at less than 3 gallons just to get out of there and hit a cheaper spot. he thought I was trying to run away from him and I snapped “NO, I just can’t afford it. I have NO MONEY!” He shut up again and then said goodbye again as I was getting into my car. Then he said “Don’t run me over now” to which I rolled my window down and said smirking, “Don’t tempt me.” He thought I was joking. Pah.

Parent visit was weird though. Talking about Jay and such. Then my mom asked about my life recently and to catch her up on things. So I tried to tell her about Irish and that he’s coming to my graduation dinner and that he’s my boyfriend. She just kept saying, “No, he’s your friend. He’s just a really good friend.” I don’t know what her problem is. Finally I said to her that I’ve known him for months, I’ve been seeing him for months, and that I’ve basically been dating him for months, there was just some overlap with Jay, but that Irish stuck with it and didn’t just run away or give up on me. So now, since I became single again, we’ve been dating a lot more and now he’s my boyfriend. “Who’s idea was that?” she said incredulously. “His. And I’m not gonna fight it.” She just kinda scoffed at me and blew me off.

Later my dad got home and we talked more. When dad asked who Irish was, she said “He’s a good friend.” She was so adamant about it.

I’m wondering what her reaction will be when she finds out we’re going to Tennessee together in a few weeks. Heh. That’s gonna be just peachy.

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Ends loosened

May 12, 2010 in Mindpieces | Permalink

Just finished transcribing all the entries I had written in my moleskin notebook. It’s 4am. I need to be at Jay’s to get my stuff in about 8 hours. Fuck. And I have to grab Chinese food on the way to Mom’s from there. I’m looking online right now to see what I should order that’s healthy and not like the crispy chicken I always get. So far my options seem to be:
Moo goo gai pan
chop suey
lo mein (but it’s noodles)
hot and sour soup
miso soup??
white rice

I think I’m gonna go with Chicken Chop Suey. Now watch, that’s what Mom will get. 😛

Now that I’ve wasted entirely too much time, I’m going to read my steam punk romance and try to get some sleep.

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Baby steps

May 9, 2010 in Mindpieces | Permalink

He doesn’t seem to realize that two can play the cold and heartless game. But I really don’t want to play that. I want to be affectionate. I want him to be affectionate. Hell, I just want him to make some sort of effort to be cute or cuddly or loving and caring or something toward me. The occasional kiss, hug, backrub, leg squeeze, anything. I’m big on contact. Any kind of contact. Why won’t he just give me that?

I’m working on getting him to open up to it, but it’s a slow process. I don’t know why he’s so closed off though. I mean, even today I was trying to show him that all he really has to do is show some affection and I’ll respond.

I yoinked his Dr. Pepper today and had a few sips then put it on the table in front of me, instead of back in his hand. After a few minutes, he pointed at the bottle and made grabbing motions. “Use your words like a big boy” “It’s not in my hand and it should be” “Well how do you think you can get it back?” “You give it back to me, since it belongs in my hands and you took it.” “No, what’s the one thing that you can do to get me to give you something?” “I don’t know, tell you to do it?” “No.” I got close to his face with mine, trying to give him a not-so-subtle hint toward it. “Really? You don’t remember what you can do?” “I don’t know.” “Ugh, just come here!” I kissed him quickly and pointedly, then handed him the soda. “That’s it. All you have to do is kiss me and you can have what you want.” “Um, ok.” “I don’t know why you haven’t learned this yet. Dammit, I’m going to make you show affections somehow! Ugh!” He seemed confused, but then drank his soda and moved on in his head.

I just need to keep reminding myself “baby steps, baby steps.”

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Girlfriendship

May 3, 2010 in Mindpieces | Permalink

Girls Night with TinyFists was really great. Chocolate martinis, wine, crab stuffed mushrooms, hot tubbing, and girl talk. We talked about her life and the dating situations we’re both involved in right now. Her aunt  kept asking me about Irish and getting small details that made her say “dump him” a lot, but I just laughed it off. She said it mostly because he hasn’t paid for my food and such all the time, though I disputed it a bit. He’s paid a few times, and so have I, but usually we go dutch. Our most recent trip to Wendy’s he paid, and then he makes pizza for the two of us, and yesterday we went to his parents again for a steak cookout, which he paid for, saying that the leftover cuts would be for us at a later time. It made me realize he intends for me to be there for dinner very soon. Yay steak!

While at his parents house, his mother asked if I was coming with them to Tennessee for their reunion. I told her I hadn’t been invited. She said, “well now you are, because I’m inviting you.” Then she asked IrishSis, who had just walked in, “Wouldn’t it be great if she came with us to Tennessee?” She thought it was cool, but apparently thought I was already coming. Irish brought up the problem that he didn’t know where I’d be sleeping, and his mom and IrishSis said that he’s an adult and we’d be staying in the same bed. I tried hard not to blush, but I’m sure I failed. So then I said to Irish that he should try to get off work that whole week so we can go to North Carolina with ArmyHusband and BoobsMcGee, then just drive over to Tennessee. He agreed that it’s best, but he doesn’t know if he can do that. So it’s fairly final that I’m going to Tennessee at least, which is unexpected but awesome.

After we got home I asked him if he actually wanted me to come with him and he said, “Yeah, I mean, if you want to.” Then I asked what the controversy was with the sleeping arrangements. He said it was because his grandmother is paying for the hotel rooms and he didn’t think she’d like him to bring his girlfriend. My breath caught. “So I’m your girlfriend now?” “Well yeah, I mean after all this and everything and it’s been awhile, so it just should be that by now I think.” I was still taken aback. I told him I had been trying to ask him about it recently, but failing at bringing it up. “I know. I’ve been ignoring it.” “Nice…so…you’re my boyfriend then…” “That’s usually how these things work” he laughed. “Ha, I know, I’m just trying to let my brain process it.” He went back to playing Batman and later when we were going to bed, I brought it up again. “So how long have you thought of me as your girlfriend?” “Well we got home from my parents about 4 hours ago…” “Really? Seriously just today? I mean, that’s fine, but I just was wondering…” “Stop being girly and go to sleep.” I had no response to that. I couldn’t even make words. Ever since then, I’ve been girly and squealing inside, and I don’t know when it’s gonna end, but I’m not complaining. Plus he kissed me goodbye again today.

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Indecision

April 29, 2010 in Private | Permalink

So I’ve talked to TinyFists and Gunnie about the situation and the overwhelming feeling is that I’m not the one who is the unsure element and that it’s not me that needs to change. While they have been saying things to me and getting on me for going into this relationship, they know I’m not being stupid about it. They just care about me and don’t want me getting hurt, which is nice of them. They’ve basically said that the one who needs to figure things out, is him. He needs to decide what he wants out of this. He needs to decide how he feels about me. Because whether he admits it or not, this is a relationship. It’s not a serious one, granted, but it is one.

Even though I told myself that I wasn’t going to get involved in another relationship too fast, that’s exactly what I’ve done. Not really complaining however, since my time with Irish tends to have very healing effects. Also, the word ‘love’ is not in my vocabulary right now. The concept is there, but I know that it’s something that I shouldn’t be thinking about. I’ve got my whole life to find love, but right now I can enjoy whatever is the closest I can get to it. I also know that while he may or may not be Mr. Right, I know that he is Mr. Right Now, and that’s good enough for me. It’s a good start, anyway. Will he ever feel the same way that I do? Who knows? But what I know is that I just wish he’d tell me where his head’s at and what he’s feeling. The thing that is the worst is the waiting and not knowing. But maybe I really don’t wanna know… sigh…

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Giving 100%

April 26, 2010 in Mindpieces | Permalink

In a perfect world, it’s the girl’s decision how things will play out when relationships are beginning, especially when there are 2 men vying for the same woman’s affections. But in my world, which is far from perfect, it’s the guy’s call. It seems like it happens every time, and I never get to have control. I always just end up chasing them until I wear them down enough and they finally give up. I’ll spend a ridiculous amount of time with them, try to be involved in their life, and be a part of everything they do. Until finally, they secede and I’m suddenly in a relationship. This needs to change.

I need to change. How? I’m not so sure, but I know it has to be done. Just like I knew that the breakup with Jay had to happen. This is just one of those things. I need to stop pushing myself at a guy so much and so consistently. I need to stop giving exponentially more than I’m getting back.

Though I tell myself this, yet again, this time actually committing it to writing, I know that it’s not that easy. I know that I will continue throwing myself 100% into this thing with Irish, while only being caught by maybe 50% of him. I feel like I could change things by telling him how I feel, but i also fear that he’d not return it, then end the whole endeavor. Neither of us are going for something serious, but I don’t know what exactly I want anymore.

On the one hand, I know that I enjoy the time I spend with him very much and that the things we do and the times we have are absolutely amazing. Not to mention that I feel more attracted to him than I have to anyone in years. Maybe ever. He’s just amazing, honestly. The way I feel when I’m with him is better than anything from recent relationships. And the way he makes me laugh, well that’s also amazing. He’s intelligent, swarthy, coy, suave, and so many other things that don’t even begin to describe him enough. He has his moments, yes, but don’t we all? But then he has his amazing moments, like last night: he grabbed my water and cell phone and brought them to bed, knowing I would want them, without me asking or anything. We’ve also had our little adorable moments of cute and sweet, with holding hands and cuddles. The night he kissed me on the forehead when I cuddled up to him, well it was just, wow. And every time he kisses me in the morning I feel warm and safe and amazing all day. I have the best days when I start them out by his side. I know that I’m falling for him, and I’m sure he doesn’t want me to, but I just can’t help it. I’m pouring myself into him entirely more than I should, but I can’t seem to stop. He’s just so… him.

On the other hand, I know, or at least from what he’s said, he doesn’t want a relationship. The thing is though, whether he realizes it or not, he’s in one. It’s just not serious. And I don’t know if I really want it to be serious or not just yet. I know that I shouldn’t get involved in another relationship after just getting out of one. But the fact of it is, I’ve been wanting to be with him ever since the day we met, so many months ago. And whether I wanted to admit it or not, I had already moved on from Jay, months before the breakup. So in essence, it feels like we’ve been together for 7 or 8 months, because we have. We just weren’t declared. I feel like he was holding back because of my relationship, but now I don’t know what’s holding him back. It could be anything. My lack of job or real place to live, my not being in shape, or even him just not being as attracted to me as I had hoped. I mean, I feel like I’m a 5 or 6, dating an 8 or 9. And I just don’t know what to do with myself. I feel like I’ve been throwing myself at him, and that it’s counterproductive. I don’t know. I feel like the more I show him how I feel, then the more he’ll pull away. But maybe I’m just being paranoid.

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