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Pro Tip #3

April 5, 2011 in Mindpieces | Permalink

I’ve recently been assured that some men think it’s annoying when women talk about themselves. Well, duh. That makes sense. Most people can’t tolerate listening about someone talk about themselves constantly. But hearing about ourselves is just weird sometimes. Which brings me to the next Pro Tip:

We all want to be complimented, but hearing compliments too much can be annoying, unnerving, and can even feel faked or forced. I like being told nice things, as it feels reassuring and makes me feel better about myself. But when someone constantly calls me pretty, or hot, or gorgeous, it loses its value and I feel like they’re just saying it because they feel like they should, not because they mean it. It can get to the point that I feel the opposite is true, and they’re trying to appease me by saying these things, but in fact making things worse.

That being said, this applies more to suitors and guy friends than it does to a current partner. For instance, hearing a compliment from Irish is almost always met with joy and sometimes surprise. Granted, he doesn’t overdo it. In fact, I’d love for him to compliment me more often, but I think his opinion is that it’d get old and tired quickly. Not sure if I agree there.

But anyway, my point was that when my guys compliment me too much, it becomes counterproductive and actually makes me shrink away from them a bit, cuz they seem too eager to please and like they’re trying too hard to make me feel good around them. Here’s a hint: if I feel good around you, it’s because of the way you treat me and act around me, not necessarily the things you say. In this case, actions indeed speak louder than words.

While I appreciate compliments as much as the next girl, don’t overdo it. You’re hurting yourself and making me feel like I am, in actuality, not hot or cute or whatever. If I stop smiling and/or giggling when you do it, that’s because it’s no longer working, so lay off it for awhile. Just saying. Err… just writing.

Sometimes a hug or a random cuddle means more to me and does more for my ego and self-esteem than a compliment, whether it’s warranted or not. I’m not sure if this applies to just me or to the bulk of females, but hopefully it lands somewhere in between and someone finds it helpful.

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Pervocracy Catchup

February 19, 2011 in Mindpieces | Permalink

We were eating lunch and I found where I left off on Holly’s Blog. The post contained this paragraph:

And yet I can’t help but feel unfulfilled being unfilled. Partly this is because of baggage: if a guy can’t get it up for intercourse that means I’m not sexy and if he refuses intercourse that means he doesn’t really like me. (Especially as popular wisdom holds that guys never refuse intercourse, therefore if it happens to me it must be really bad news.) Some of that’s probably true, too. Not “augh I’m a warthog,” but “I don’t have a close enough relationship with anyone for them to be fully sexually open to me” really is true, I think.

This is how I feel way too often. I mean, I know I’m not the prettiest princess and that I really need to lose a few pounds… or 20… but that doesn’t mean I’m not attractive. Plenty of guys let me know that I’m attractive. I get hit on or at least checked out, which actually feels nice, all things considered. But what feels the best is when close friends make it clear that I deserve so much, because they think I’m special and fantastic and attractive. Granted, most of them might just say those things because they want to steal me away from Irish or something. Who knows? I can only TRY to understand what others think.

I guess what I just don’t understand then is how my current situation happens. Holly’s post was talking about having a lot of everything-but sex which was leaving her feeling unfulfilled. I would love that to be my situation. At least it’s something. I just hate feeling like I’m not attractive because I’m not getting attention from the only one who actually matters.

And it’s not like we haven’t talked about it, either. Because we have. Ad nauseam. But I guess it just goes to show that what they say is true, you can’t change a man. But I keep trying regardless.

Maybe I’m being too needy or something again.

I’m gonna go catch up on some more Pervocracy, since Irish is playing Fallout. So much for hitting the gym together. Sigh.

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Pro Tip #2

February 15, 2011 in Mindpieces | 2 comments

When a girl mentions in passing that she’s not into all that cliche Valentine’s Day stuff… ignoring it is usually a safe bet.

Case in point:
While talking to Irish a few weeks ago, I had mentioned my Valentine’s Day experience from last year, including how Jay had gotten me everything – teddy bear, balloon, flowers, card, chocolates, etc. – because I had never gotten any of that stuff before. But in that case, it was too little, too late. Damage had been done to the relationship that just couldn’t be undone with cute or tasty gifts.

Well even after hearing that, I received an edible arrangement, teddy bear, and balloon at work yesterday. It was awesome and I was squeeing like a fool. Unfortunately it was after 5 so most people had gone home, but I still texted some friends and ran to my girl upstairs to have a girly squealing fit together. And to share a chocolate covered piece of fruit.

I had already received a box of chocolates from Irish that he had AngryGinger grab for him, and I figured that was all I’d be getting. I was wrong. And I’m glad I was.

Also, when he was making the steaks for dinner (so very delicious), I checked my email and saw he had sent me a gift certificate for Squishable.com so that I can get myself a fox when it comes back in stock. I started squeeing again and ran over and hugged him for ages. It was awesome.

So the safest bet when it comes to Valentine’s, or really any holiday, is to get your girl something small at least, just to show you care. Even if it’s just a card. But if you think she’s more receptive, then go bigger, because it will be appreciated, and you will get hella brownie points.

Even is she says she doesn’t want to exchange gifts, you should still get her something. Saying that you’re not going to get each other gifts on a holiday for financial reasons or something is a TRAP. Better safe than sorry, and in this case it’s better to err on the side of giving too much, to an extent of course. Keep it sweet and simple.

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Pro Tip #1

January 26, 2011 in Mindpieces | Permalink

Time for a new segment that I hope continues: Pro Tips. Here’s the first of many:

When I’m venting and bitching, just let it happen. Don’t tell me I’m wrong or try to solve my problem, unless I ask for it. Cuz really, I know why I have to do these things I bitch about having to do, but I still just need to get the frustration out of me.

Men tend to want to solve problems instead of listening. Not that I’m complaining that they want to help, but sometimes we just don’t want it.

Something women don’t tell men… Don’t help unless we ask for it. Just listen while we bitch.

Of course, the flip side of that is men like to fix stuff, so maybe we should open a bitchfest with, “just venting here” or something that triggers the “solving” area of their brains to shut down.

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Sacrifice

January 24, 2011 in Mindpieces | 1 comment

Grapple asked me a question that I’ve often wondered about myself as well:
Why do I sacrifice so much of myself for others?

I’ve never been able to fully answer this question for myself, let alone for someone else, but here’s my best amalgamation of an answer:

I’m always trying to help people solve the problems in their lives, while putting my own needs on hold. Maybe I feel that helping them could help me. Or if I help them, they’ll appreciate it and feel closer to me, letting me into their heart as I’ve let them into mine. If there is anything at all that I can do for them, I must do it.

I seek approval and reaffirmation of my life. I feel like I have a purpose in life if I help someone. If I don’t do everything possible for them, I’m not fulfilling my purpose and therefore am useless. If what I do is rejected, I’m a failure. I have failed not only myself, but that person as well, and anyone else it could’ve affected.

I want to be loved. I give all of myself to someone, hoping to receive the same in return. But that never happens. No matter how much I give, I’m going to get the same amount back – whatever amount they want to give. I can’t change that, but since I feel it is my purpose to get them to open up, and I continuously fail, I’m a failure and become depressed, causing more feelings of inadequacy and emptiness.

It is an endless cycle of hurt, heartbreak, and frustration.

And I do it constantly. Even now.

Without someone to dote on and cherish and give up everything for, I feel empty, useless, homeless, without purpose. I feel like there is no point to living if I’m not living for someone else. Being their rock, their shepherd, their partner. The one they need.

I want to be needed. Not just loved, but necessary. However, I want to be needed because I’m loved, not loved because I’m needed. I want my partner to realize they can’t live without me because they love me and are in love with me; they need me there just to survive the day-to-day trials, tribulations, and tortures of life; they need be with them to be happy; they need me just to sleep peacefully at night; they love me too much to put into words and express; they just need me. That’s what I want, and it’s something I’ll never have. And although I know that, I’ll continue to want, strive, and hope for it.

I want someone to make me feel like I’m the only one in the world for them, and mean it. I want to be able to take on the world with them, and win. I want to know that I hold their heart, and they hold mine. I want to be able to trust they will never throw me away, and have that trust be proven.

I give because I cannot receive.  In some cases, will not. When someone tries to be open and loving to me, in a way that is greater than what I feel, I shut them out, lock down, and push them away. If I start receiving emotion I haven’t worked for and earned, surely it is too good to be true. Clearly they are lying to me, trying to lure me into something, making me believe them so they can turn sides and trap me against my will. They don’t love me, they only think they do. Because I’m so open and loving and easy to love. If I let myself fall into their open arms, eventually they will drop me. So I run. I run away from the love they try to give that is unwarranted. Undeserved.

I search out those who are cold and closed off to love, so that I may be the one to pry their heart open and let them love again, to have them love me. I want to fix them, for they are broken. I want to change them, to help them better their lives, to teach them how to live. But are they really broken? Or is it me that is actually broken? A puzzle missing a piece – taking every piece I find and trying to shape it properly to fill the void, forcing pieces where they don’t belong – hurting myself in the process of finding my missing element. I continue to work though – pushing harder, shaving off bits of myself to try to make the other fit, twisting every way imaginable to accommodate them.

But it never works. And it never will. My sacrifice is always in vain.

I emerge from the wreckage – broken, beaten, and scarred – and immediately search again.

I realize that the perfect piece to fill the void won’t have to be altered, shaped, and accommodated for. I won’t have to twist and turn and alter myself in order to fit them into my life and my heart. It will just work.

But here’s the kicker: If I sit around and wait for that perfect one, I’ll feel useless and empty, putting myself into a depression in which I cannot open myself to anyone, even that perfect one.

So why do I sacrifice so much of myself for others? It’s all I know how to do, and without it I have nothing. No matter how much I give, I will continue to give more, until I either break down their wall or break down myself. I think it’s obvious which happens more.

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Last Valentine’s

January 13, 2011 in Mindpieces | Permalink

After that whole fandango went down, we were talking about our previous Valentine experiences. I told him how until last year, I hadn’t had the stereotypical gifts on V-Day (candy, card, balloon, bear, etc.), but Jay changed that. And it was stupid and terrible. Also, it was made worse by the fact that I didn’t love him anymore, but that’s beside the point.

I mentioned that other than the gifts, I couldn’t remember V-Day being all that good with Jay. Then he said, “I think WE were together on Valentine’s Day.” This was a huge memory shock. I had almost forgotten about that. We went to Don Pablos for dinner and had the Fajitas for Two Valentine’s Special (which I found amusing, and now ironic) and then we saw Percy Jackson: Lightning Thief. I remember using AngryGinger as my cover story since Jay hated the mere idea of Irish, let alone me being alone with him. And for good reason I guess.

So here we are, and we’ve come full circle. I’m a college grad now, I’m no longer on psych meds, I’m employed at a good company that is actually 9-5, we’re living together, and he’s finally learning to be a boyfriend, kinda.

Life isn’t perfect. It’s an adventure.

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Valentine’s Fail

January 12, 2011 in Mindpieces | Permalink

I already had my big plan for Valentine’s Day all worked out. I was going to drive Irish to the Verizon Store, and he could pick out his new phone, in all likelyhood the Droid X, and I would buy it for him. And an Otterbox case for it if he wanted one. This weekend ruined that.

I paid the $200 electric bill this month. I paid $400 toward the rent. So he had some extra money and decided it was a perfect time to buy his new phone. I told him he should wait, say, a month, just to be sure it’s what he wanted. And since I had to drive him there, I said I was okay with shopping for it, but not buying just yet. I didn’t want to tell him why he should wait, ruining the surprise, but figured he’d wait anyway.

I was wrong. Shocking.

Within 5 minutes of talking to an employee he said “alright, I’ll take it” and my jaw dropped. I was speechless, confused, and frustrated. I barely said a word after that until we got into the car and he asked if I was upset about it. Well, duh.

I explained to him that I was gonna buy him one for Valentine’s Day, if he would’ve just waited. And that yes, of course I’m upset about it. He didn’t listen to me. He didn’t trust my opinion on it. And he didn’t get the hint to just wait when I said it over and over and I’ve done this kind of thing before with him (I told him not to buy something because Santa might be getting for him, he understood then). He just thought I was trying to tell him how to spend his money, which I wasn’t. Admittedly, there’s part of me that is bitching inside about how he wanted me to help with rent and BGE and then he goes and spends that money on other stuff, but whatever.

He also apparently wasn’t expecting me to get him anything for Valentine’s, cuz no girl’s ever given him something before. So we decided that we were just going to call it his Valentine’s present anyway. And I told him I might still give him a card and a blowjob as a placeholder. Maybe 2. To this, he had the perfect response: “What am I gonna do with 2 cards?” Brilliant! I haven’t decided how I meant it yet. I just hope to get laid that day/weekend. Maybe twice if I’m lucky.

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Holiday Craziness

December 28, 2010 in Mindpieces | Permalink

So I realize that I said I would try to do at least one post every week, but have not held myself to that. Well I blame the holidays and general schedule craziness. And I got a job. So that’s very whoo-hoo!

I started a Web/Graphic Designer job on the 6th and haven’t had much time to do anything besides work and sleep since then. The first week of the job, we had a Christmas party and the company-wide gift was an iPad. And I got one. I had just been thinking about the possibilities of owning one and how I could blog so much easier on an iPad. Then I get one, but never used it to post. Granted I’m still not using it for that. It’s been an e-reader and video game system so far. Even this post is being done at work cuz I’m on lunch and work is light – for now. The rush was last week.

I’m loving the job so far and it’s actually in my field. They also are wanting me to do some animation/video work at some point since I’ve got experience with that. The most animation involved thing I’ve done so far was a photoshop animated gif with text, but they were impressed. The other designers hate web/animation work so that works fine for me.

I’ve also been sick these past few weeks…err… month. General flu-like stuff and then lots of coughing/hacking. I’m finally getting better again though, so hopefully that holds out. I’ve been sick my whole time at work so far too, which sucks, so no one has gotten to see the true/regular me. Hoping for a clean bill of health in the new year. Fingers crossed.

So yeah, I got an iPad after a week of working here. The next week was the building party, where I got a red cashmere scarf. The next week I got a Christmas bonus. Best timing ever. Win. Then a 4 day weekend for Christmas and a 3 day weekend coming up for New Years (which I still have to find plans for) and that makes this week a 3 day work week. So much win.

Christmas was pretty cool this year and I didn’t have to drive 7 hours this time. Spent some of Christmas Eve at Irish’s parents’ place, opening presents with the kids and having dinner. I got Assassin’s Creed for 360 and a gift card. Then we went to my parents’ house for Christmas Eve snacks and hangouts. I brought my iPad to show my parents and use as pretense for a present. I had just gotten paid that day and wanted to give them some moneys toward what I owe them from being unemployed all that time, and gave them a check for $600, saying: I thought you might like the iPad, and I was gonna buy you one, but figured I’d just give you the money for one instead. It was intended as a joke, knowing it’d go towards what I owe them. It went right over my dad’s head though. Ugh. Ridiculous. At least my mother knew what I meant by it. So after that awkwardness was over, we kept chatting and snacking until finally heading home after midnight.

Christmas morning was cool too, since Irish and I got to open presents just the two of us. He seemed to like everything I got him, so that’s cool. I bought Fable 3 and Borderlands: Game of the Year Edition on Black Friday, but couldn’t wait so those were early gifts to us. But I did give him Fallout: New Vegas and Bioshock on Christmas. I also gave him a shiny new Casio Solar Waveceptor watch, a leather left gauntlet for his rennfest costume, slippers, and assorted football clothings. Good haul for him, I’d say. He gave me Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess for Wii (wanted for years since it came out), a bottle of Davidoff Cool Water perfume (always loved but never owned), and some pretty swooshy design diamond earrings (which I just found online here).

Then it was time for Christmas dinner/lunch at my parents’ house. It was surprisingly good and we stuffed ourselves. Then presents happened and I got the obligatory Best Buy gift card from my brother (we always get each other the same thing) and a Dragon 2011 planner from his new wife. We all got cards with $30 from the parents, even Irish, so he was surprised with that. Brother gave the parents a present that I nudged Irish about, saying jokingly: Hey it looks like an iPad with a screen protector attached to it. Then it was. I was laughing my ass off, and so was Dad. It was even better that I had brought my iPad over the night before, so he knew he liked it. It’s really for Mom, cuz Dad’s always on the computer and she never gets to learn or do anything. But since all they use it for is email, internet, and games, it works perfectly.

It also made sense of Brother’s silence/awkwardness during my check presenting the night before.

We hung out a bit there, had some cake, then headed over to Irish’s parents’ house to watch Inception, since I’d given it to IrishDad for Christmas. It was just as good as I’d remembered it to be, especially cuz I couldn’t remember the ending at all. So that was cool.

The rest of the weekend was after-Christmas shopping, video games, and such. I had off yesterday so I played some Fable 3 then hit up Borderlands with Guardian for awhile til Irish got home. Then had some dinner and went to exchange gifts with TinyFists. I got her some earrings and she gave Irish and me a $100 gift card to Duclaw. I was shocked and surprised. I hadn’t expected such a pricey thing from her, but that’s awesome.

Brought the first batch of peppermint bark I made for Christmas into work today and left it in the kitchen. I think it’s been slaughtered by now. I was going to take it to karaoke, but I don’t think that’ll happen. Oh well. I’m still gonna hit the bar tonight and ArmyGuy is gonna be there too, whom I haven’t seen in ages.

I think that pretty much takes care of the catchup from this past month. If I’ve missed something and you’re wondering about it, just leave me a comment and I’ll post about it soon.

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Cuddles

November 13, 2010 in Mindpieces | Permalink

I admit I’ve been wanting more sex recently, and understand if you’re in some pain so aren’t totally up for it, but is it really too much to ask for you to cuddles? Even just being affectionate in general would be nice. And some boyfriendship. Ugh. What happened to your A game? Step it up, dude. Cuz I’m getting tired of this B game crap. I’m your girlfriend, who lives with you. I’m not just some roommate. So start acting like you understand that and just cuddle up to me, dammit.

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Questions

November 9, 2010 in Mindpieces | Permalink

Holly posted a bunch of questions for men that I’ve always wanted to know the answers to, and I was reading it off to Irish the other day. Surprisingly enough, he started answering the questions. I wish I had written down his answers, since my memory is terrible about these kind of things. But I know it was fairly enlightening, and totally unexpected. Usually he doesn’t answer any of my questions, especially without sarcastic remarks.

So I tried again. There was an episode of How I Met Your Mother where the concept of how every relationship has a reacher and a settler. Marshall was trying to get Lily to tell him which he thought they each were. It was interesting, and I tried asking Irish his opinion on it. I still can’t decide how I feel about his response. Fairly curtly, he said, “There’s no such thing. We’re perfect for each other. Shut up.” After many hesitations and attempts to respond, I finally put my arms around his neck, kissed his cheek, and said, “At least you admit it. And I’m gonna hold you to that.”

Not sure how I feel about it, but I know I don’t really wanna think about which of us is which. And who knows, maybe his snarky, sarcastic, blow-off response is true.

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