emotions

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New Beginnings

August 14, 2015 in Mindpieces | Permalink

Time for another recap of life stuffs. My nephew was born earlier than expected, on July 2 actually. My brother and his wife named him Theo Jay. I’m calling him TJ because it’s adorable. I’ve been visiting occasionally and spoiling him with various presents. He’s so cute.

In less happy news, Babylon and I broke up recently and it’s been just awful. There’s been a lot of yelling and horribleness. We moved his furniture into the second bedroom yesterday. I still need to reinstall all my computer equipment and plug everything in properly. And I need to move all the pictures I had so meticulously hung a few months ago. Sigh.

The only reason I’m making it through all this is because of my friends being supportive of me. Especially my newest friend, Jace. I’ve been mostly staying at his place ever since the break up, just to stay out of the apartment and wait for things to get a little smoother. It’s been helping me deal with all of it a bit better, but I know I can’t avoid Babylon forever. It’s just a matter of time until he yells at me again and hurts me even more with his words…

Babylon’s probably going to finish this lease year and then move out. I don’t know yet what I’m going to do. I love the apartment so much, but I just can’t afford it by myself.

Why does my life have to be so messy… I need so many hugs right now…

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Weight Loss Woes

October 3, 2014 in Mindpieces | Permalink

Every time I start making progress on my weight loss, I gain it all back as soon as I’m on late shift at work. Because by the time I get home, I’m so hungry that I just stop thinking or caring. I’ve tried bringing dinner and extra snacks to work, but it’s just not happening. I get home and just devour everything…

I don’t know what to do. It’s so frustrating that any progress made is obliterated by a single week.

I hate this.

And I want a cheeseburger…

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Nutrisystem: Week 11 Review

September 9, 2014 in Mindpieces | Permalink

New foods I tried this week:
– turkey and stuffing: kinda salty, not bad though
– fettuccine alfredo: tasty, but could use a meat

Wednesday I was on diet and went to the gym. Gotta work on those 3 pounds I gained during La Festa. But I gained 6 last year, so that’s an improvement.

Thursday I was on diet and hung out with Babylon. We worked out a few issues that were bugging us recently and it made me feel so much better about things. Like a weight was lifted off me. So much better… also, 4.4 net pounds lost according to the morning’s weigh in.

Friday I was on mostly diet and went to the gym.

Saturday I was partially on diet and went with Red to get a pedicure and sushi. Then I hung out with Babylon.

Sunday was D&D and also a cheat day. Then Babylon and I had our third real date at a great BBQ place. And now it’s all sorts of official and such. Yay! Smiles for miles.

Monday I was mostly on diet, except for BBQ leftovers. Also, late shift for only the one day. Lost 7 pounds so far. Back down past the pre-La Festa weight.

Tuesday I was on diet until dinner and got my allergy shots. Watched the Apple Live Event. Super excited for the iPhone 6. The apple watch looks silly though.

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Nutrisystem: Day 13

July 7, 2014 in Mindpieces | Permalink

So today hasn’t been going too great. I’ve been kinda down all day because of mistakes I made at work. Here I thought I was doing well… but nope. So yeah, it’s been a rough day.

Today’s menu included:
– honey wheat bagel with cream cheese
– greek yogurt
– Three Cheese Chicken and salad
– peppermint cookie patty
– veggies
– mac and cheese

The bagel was the size of a mini bagel, but tasty.

Peppermint cookie patty, which I assume is supposed to be like a York peppermint patty, was really chewy and stuck to my teeth, making me wish I had a toothbrush at work.

Mac and cheese was okay.

After work, I picked up a new controller for my xbox so now I have 4. Yay! And happened to grab Skyrim: Legendary Edition for only $30. I played a little bit and got to Whiterun. But got tired and now I’m watching some TV before going to bed.

Goodnight, all.

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Nutrisystem: Day 2

June 27, 2014 in Mindpieces | Permalink

Today’s menu includes:
– Blueberry Muffin
– Energy Shake
– Cheese Tortellini
– Craving Shake
– Chicken Alfredo

The muffin seemed slightly larger today. But very sticky. And it had maybe 4 blueberries in it.

The cheese tortellini was about the size of a Chef Boyardee container but much tastier.

I brought sugar snap peas, mushrooms, and cucumber slices with dip for my veggie snack. And a small spinach salad to go with lunch.

I had every intention of eating the Chicken Alfredo for dinner but I had a bad experience at the doctor tonight and then went to see Wolfe. Talked about my problems a bit with him then went to Red Robin from there. BUT. I got a burger with a whole grain bun, no mayo, and broccoli instead of fries, which only puts me 400 calories over for the day. Not terrible. I do feel very full and satisfied though and pretty guilty for going off diet already. But I made good choices and I’ve been craving a burger all week. Also, I feel very heavy after eating that so I won’t be doing that again for awhile. Already, my body is adjusting to the new food intake so I can tell that going off diet will just make me feel crummy. But now I know first hand. At least we did walk the mall a bit so that was some exercise.

I will do better tomorrow.

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Broken Inside

May 13, 2014 in Mindpieces | Permalink

I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. I feel broken inside. Dead. Something snapped a few weeks ago and nothing has fixed it yet. I don’t know what to do about it.

I no longer have zest for life. No fervor. No passion. My hobbies don’t fulfill me the way they should. And my social engagements aren’t as happy and fulfilling as I would like them to be. Because I can’t feel anything positive. All I feel is pain. Anger. Irritation. Apathy. Depression.

I just want to curl up and cry most days now.

I’ve been emotionally distant from everyone, though trying to hide it. I’ve lost my love for everything – activities, things, people, …myself. It’s not fair to Spike. It’s not fair to me. It’s not fair to others who love me or are just starting to love me.

I need to find happiness. I need to rediscover myself and my love for life. I need another vacation. I need to figure this out.

I just want to love again.

…

…

…

But… How?

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I’m Not Crazy, Right?

November 14, 2013 in Mindpieces | Permalink

Women have been taught to question themselves incessantly these days. Is what we’re doing okay? Is what we’re feeling the right way to feel? Are we being too sensitive? Are we crazy merely because someone said we are?

This article from the Huffington Post really says it all.

At its base, calling women “crazy” is a way of waving away any behavior that men might find undesirable while simultaneously absolving those same men from responsibility. Why did you break up with her? Well, she was crazy. Said something a woman might find offensive? Stop being so sensitive.

The idea of the “crazy” woman is so vague and nebulous that it can apply to just about any scenario.

“Crazy” has become this all-encompassing word to describe a woman’s behavior. I’ve heard men say I was crazy. Hell, I’ve heard it as why they broke up with me, but that doesn’t mean ANYTHING. Especially when the breakup was mutual or because he couldn’t cope with the normal relationship emotional needs.

I’m not crazy and just because someone says I am something, doesn’t make it true. Sure, I have some emotional issues, but so does everyone. Everyone has baggage. But really, when I think about it, maybe those “issues” are just what society has forced me to think of as problems and maybe they’re just completely normal, female emotions.

I’m not crazy. I’m normal. And there’s nothing anyone can say to change that, because all the proof I need is inside my head, inside my heart, and that’s all I need. Just me.

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