bitching

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Pervocracy Appreciation

September 15, 2010 in Mindpieces | Permalink

“In sex ed, they told us that sex could lead to herpes, AIDS, babies,low self-esteem… but they didn’t mention backrubs.”
“Oh yes. Sometimes there are backrubs.”
“They should mention that in class. Teach the controversy.”
~ The Pervocracy

I agree with this so much. Too bad it never applies to me. With or without the sex. Sigh.

/TMI

I know I haven’t posted in awhile but things have been a bit nuts. And I keep wanting to make this blog more and more public. At least in the respect of sharing more than just general rants. I want to write about the dirty, gritty stuff I think about or do. I wanna share everything about myself. I figure if I can’t do it with the man I love, I need to get it all out somehow. I don’t have a single person who I can share everything with. That should be Irish, I know, but he doesn’t want to talk about the stuff I need to share. Gah.

/rant

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Rennfest

September 5, 2010 in Mindpieces | Permalink

We went to Rennfest today and I walked my feet off. I couldn’t find my newer hooker boots so I had to wear my old ones, which I replaced because they were painful to wear. So yeah, about 2 hours into the day I was in pain. The next 5 hours were just salt in the wound. Don’t get me wrong, the faire was fun but I just wish I hadn’t been dragging everyone down with my slowness of walking.

I feel bad about it, but it’s not like any of them cared about my pain nor were any sort of sympathetic. I would hope that my boyfriend would see that I was in pain and needed a little sympathy and caring. But no. Nothing. He just joined in on the insults and the being annoyed at me. The only person who gave a shit about me all day was Grapple, and he was a last minute random addition to our group who also ended up driving us to the faire. Since he actually cared, he hung back with me when I couldn’t catch up to the pack. He also helped me hobble around by being my crutch and catching me every time I was off balance. It was very sweet of him.

I just wish that Irish was that attentive. I mean, I really should be used to being ignored by now. He always does it. And so do Tinyfists and AngryGinger. Why do I have friends like this? My 2 best friends and my boyfriend, who I broke up a 2 year relationship to be with, don’t give a shit about me. What the fuck is wrong with me? I apparently have crap taste in friends. And I didn’t realize it until recently.

My friends that I go with to karaoke and everyone else from my hometown area are always so nice. I mean, we joke and poke fun, but it’s in good fun. And well natured. The people that I meet and make new friends with are the same way. So how is it that I ended up with 3 of the closest people to me being complete jackholes to me all the time? Guh.

But now I’m sore, my feet are useless and I feel like shit in general. I’m exhausted and no one cares. Oh and I have one picture of me from today, it was taken by Tinyfists and it’s still on her camera. She didn’t want to take more. So much for preserving memories and shit like that. Oh well. What else is new?

/rant in Eeyore style

Blar. With a big ol’ capital B.

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So Complicated

September 4, 2010 in Mindpieces | Permalink

I finally went and picked up my bridesmaid dress yesterday. Thankfully there are very minimum alterations to be made. Don’t know where to take it for that, but I’ll figure it out. After picking it up, I took it over to my mom’s house for safekeeping, knowing it wouldn’t exactly be safe at our place. After killing way too much time at Mom’s and an unsuccessful search for my leather boots, I went to have my weekly chat with Blondie.

Luckily the kids were asleep when I got there, so we had a little peace and quiet for awhile. We started talking about our lives and as always, she asked how it’s going with Irish. The answer, in short, was that things are getting better. She is mostly concerned that I’m not being treated in the right way, or in the way I deserve. I had expressed to her before my need for affection and my distinct lack of receiving said affection, despite giving plenty. I’ve been trying to get him to open up to me, but it’s ridiculously difficult. My first thought is that some girl he dated in the past hurt him so badly that he’s shut himself off to everything. That wouldn’t be my fault, so that’s the good part. The other thought I keep having is that maybe he just doesn’t feel that way about me. I hate to think that. And I’m fairly certain it’s untrue. I mean, why let me be here so much if you don’t want me around? I understand that guys feel emotions differently than girls, but I also know that they’re capable of affection. There have been guys that I couldn’t keep off me because all they wanted to do was hold me or hug me or snuggle. Don’t get me wrong, I like that, but sometimes it becomes just too much. But I’m not asking for that. Things have been improving and I’m very glad and every time he does something sweet or affectionate, I get all warm and fuzzy. It’s great. And after talking to him about these things despite his avoidance of the topic, it seems he’s finally getting it. For example, he took my hand and held it while walking the mall last time we were there. Usually I have to initiate that. And he’s finally calling me ‘hon’ or ‘honey’ like I’ve been trying to get him to do for awhile. Granted it’s happened maybe twice, but thats better than nothing. I almost insist on not using his actual name, but calling him by affectionate pet names and such. It’s just something I do. Not sure why. I guess it’s kinda my way to express to someone how much I care about them, without outright saying ‘love’. And that works for me. I mean, I’m not nearly as closed up about feelings as he is, but I also don’t wanna go throwing around the L word. Although I have said it a few times to Irish, at first because I thought he wasn’t saying it since I hadn’t said it, but then because I just had no other word strong enough to express my emotions toward him. But I’m not asking for him to say it back. At least, not until he’s ready to. I’m just asking for simple affection. Nightly snuggles, hugs, random kisses (whether it be on the lips, cheek, forehead, hand, or whatever), calling me cute little names like ‘hon’ and ‘sweetheart’, randomly holding my hand, or even just little touches of reassurance like putting his hand on the small of my back or giving little backrubs like I do for him, or even a regular backrub for once would be awesome. Heaven knows that’s never happened. The reason I do most of the things I do is because I like them done back to me. I’ve always operated under the clause of “show me what you like and I’ll do that” but it seems to not be a universal understanding. I just don’t get it.

I give so much and don’t ask for much in return, so why is it so hard to get back one little morsel of the affection I give? I always put 100% of myself into something I like, but when I’m getting less than that much back, I’m always losing myself. I’d be ecstatic to get 50% of him, let alone all of him. But I want something. Just something. 20%, 10%, even 5% would be something. I mean, the way I see my life is “me against the world” and I want my relationships to help that so that it’s “you and me against the world” (very Scott Pilgrim I know). And if we both connect to each other completely, we can be an unstoppable force against anything. But if the relationship is weak or incomplete, then we’ll crumble. So why can’t he get that? Why won’t he a least try to be loving or caring? I understand he’s a manly man and manly men don’t show feelings and all that shit, but that’s dumb. You’re allowed to show a different part of yourself to your significant other. One that maybe no one else gets to see, but you still show it. Is that too much to ask?

Why are men so complicated? Guh. And they think we’re the complicated ones. Hah! Lies and slander.

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Pain sucks

September 2, 2010 in Mindpieces | Permalink

So I went to the gym on Tuesday and did core and legs. Apparently I overdid it though because my calves started hurting on Wednesday afternoon after an impromptu nap. They’ve gotten worse since then, almost to the point of me being unable to walk. I’ve been limping around all day and just took some Aleve. I’m hoping that helps soon because I planned to hit the grocery store today and also pick up the gift for my future sister-in-law’s bridal shower. And I’m hitting the gym again tonight while Irish has his poker night. Guh. I’ll probably end up floating around the hot tub and the pool for awhile. Hoping that will help my legs.

Other than that though, last night we played Dokopon Kingdom. We did couples teams: me and Irish against AngryGinger and TinyFists. The game is definitely annoying at times but fun too I guess. We were losing and sucking pretty bad for awhile and were kinda pouting, but not unjustly. But AG and TF started making fun of us and complaining. Ugh. Oh well.

Anyway, I should get going to the shopping thing. I only have 2 hours before Irish gets home.

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Mortal Kombat

May 16, 2010 in Mindpieces | Permalink

When we got home yesterday, Irish loaded up Mortal Kombat vs DC Universe that we bought. He played thorough the entire story mode on DC and wouldn’t let me play. After fighting with Gunnie a bunch over the project, he offered me the controller to hit things, but he was playing as Joker and I didn’t want to use him. I went away again and ended up talking to Gunnie some more. Finally yelled at him too. By the time I came back, he was playing as Superman and didn’t want to give it up. He was finally on the boss fight and couldn’t get through it. That’s when he actually let me try. I beat him in 2 tries. It was awesome. Irish made excuses that the computer made it easier since he died so many times. I then felt compelled to post it on Twitter and Facebook. Hah.

He started the MK story mode even after I had said I wanted to play something else. I wanted to play some Halo, but he said he hates it. I don’t get that.

But now I’m apparently the girl I always hated. AngryGinger wanted to come over for some co-op and Irish showed me the text. I said exactly how I felt, which was a mistake. So he told AG that I want a quiet night, blaming me for it not happening and AG responded with *whipcrack*. My retort was “Since when do you do what I ask? And when do I even ask you to do anything?” The look on his face was indescribable, then I had the idiocy to say “If anything, you have ME whipped. It’s kinda ridiculous. I’m a disgrace to girls everywhere”. I tried to laugh it off, but it didn’t really work. Oh GOD why did I ever start being blunt and honest with him?! I’m so fucked.

I went back into the office and kept working and when I came back out he asked if I wanted to watch Castle. Maybe I can still salvage this night. I hope. I said, “Sure, lemme just finish what I’m working on.” He kinda scoffed at me and I’m not entirely sure why. I just brushed it off and went back to work, finishing up as I had said.

I came back out and waited for him to stop playing MK, all the while attempting to apologize for being a bitch and that I really don’t wanna be that girl. But no matter what I said, he still seemed put off by the whole thing. We were gonna watch Castle, but then saw that Pandora was on, which he said he always wanted to see, but that I wouldn’t because it’s horror. I asked what it was about, saying that we could try, but if I get too freaked out then I know better or next time. He seemed to be getting a bit exasperated with me at this point. So I tried to make him understand that if he wants to watch it, then that’s fine. I just might have worse night terrors than usual. The movie was good, a little creepy but not too much. I figured it was alright and I’d be fine, so it’s all good.

We went to bed and I took my shirt off to put on lotion, but didn’t take anything else off. I walked back into the bedroom and he was already stripped down and getting snuggled in for reading and sleep. I went to my side of the bed and got undressed the rest of the way. As I was taking off my pants, I bent over in what I was hoping was a slightly sexy way. Then I heard “Woo!” and just laughed to myself. “What’s woo, the book or me?” “You.” “Oh well I’m glad I’m ‘woo.’ You’re always woo.” I then began to rub and stroke him as I usually do when I’m trying to get him into the mood or at least trying to get him to know that I am. After awhile, he told me that he didn’t want to do it tonight and that he was still not feeling that great since he’s detoxing from the sleeping pills. So I just cuddled up behind him while he continued reading.

I started babbling on about things again and being girly, saying that he should just ignore the things I’d said at lunch, because I was being girly and that I blame the impending biology for the over-emotional and horniness. I ended up saying something about it being frustrating not knowing and he patted my hand, basically the cue to shush. We both turned over and began falling asleep, and I just said “I figure one of these days you’ll tell me and then I can stop agonizing over it” “What?” “I said I figure one of these days you’ll tell me how you feel.” “I’m tired.” “I mean about me, but I’m not asking for anything right now, it’s late.” It was very awkward and silent for awhile until I finally got into a comfortable position to go to sleep.

When I woke up this morning, I had actually slept through the night. He woke me up at some point with a terror, but it wasn’t that bad. For some reason though, I kept trying to call him Bryan or Brad, then my night vision finally realized it was Irish. When we were waking up, I started lightly rubbing and touching him again, hoping to stat something in the morning like what happened the previous morning. No such luck, but when he finally did start reading, I cuddled up to him. Then when he was done and about to get up, he kissed me on the forehead. It was adorable.

We got up and had meatball subs for lunch and he did some dishes, laundry, and cleaned the coffee table. Now he’s playing MK vs DC some more. I think we’re gonna wash our cars today, but I’m not sure. It’s why I didn’t get a shower yet, so I hope he realizes that. Oh wait… he’s a guy, so I have no idea. Sigh… Oh well. If we do wash cars, it’ll be neat. If not, I have to get a shower anyway to go to Gunnie’s at some point today.

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Multi-tiered Catharsis

May 15, 2010 in Mindpieces | Permalink

Took me forever to finish that paper for Shakespeare, but dammit, it’s done. I ended up procrastinating until midnight when TinyFists sent me her paper and said that she grabbed some wine and it helped her. I figured it was worth a shot, so I did. In the next 4 hours I damn near finished the paper. I worked with Gunnie on it while I was writing it, so it actually took longer than it should’ve, but it’s alright cuz I ended up with a slightly better paper at the end of it.

Gunnie called me in the morning at around 10. I’d had 4 hours of sleep. We went over corrections. I went back to sleep. Then Beast called and I told him to meet me at noon at the library cuz that’s when I had to turn in my paper. I ended up getting no more sleep and wound up getting down to the library at about 12, but couldn’t find the room until about 12:10 or so. I turned in the paper and we were walking back down when I saw someone from my class who was also lost finding the room to which we were to take the papers. I guided her and then we left.

We walked back up the hill to Walker and I realized that we live right next to each other and yet went all the way to the library so he could give me the money he owed me for the IndieCade registration. We finally got to the top of the hill and he handed me the money, as I made a joke about it looking like a drug deal or something. He said that it would make it look even worse if I shoved the money in my bra or something. I was shocked enough at the fact that Beast said that, but even more at the idea of it. I said it’d be exhibitionism too because I’d have to either go up under my shirt, exposing myself, or reach down the neck hole, either way would look awkward and ridiculous. I put the money in my back pocket saying “I’ll just put it in my pants” and we just laughed over it. We said our goodbyes til Tuesday and I went inside.

The original idea was to go back to bed, but I realized I had to go to Gunnie’s soon enough and got a shower and messed with my computer for too long then ate my leftover Chop Suey. Went to Gunnie’s and didn’t really get anything done. Dan didn’t get the files to us that we needed and so we were SOL. I suggested we go to Starbucks and we ended up spending hours there talking about things. I mentioned that even though it may sound narcissistic, I think the world would be better off and there would be more happy people if more girls were like me. We laughed. We talked for awhile about my worries of Irish and his lack of affection showing. Also how I don’t know how he feels, but I know how I feel. I know it doesn’t matter really how he feels or if he’ll ever feel the same way. I just want to be with him for as long as I can. I know that much.

Later, Clancy came over and we played Ticket to Ride. I would’ve won because I had a natural 75 points before the route score. Clancy only had 49. But we both beat Gunnie. Foodie  showed up in the middle of the game and was talking to us. I once again opened my mouth entirely too freely around him. I don’t know what it is about him that makes me do that, but I just start spilling the most inappropriate stuff to him. We all talked for awhile as I was waiting for Irish to get home anyway since he had to stay late for work.

At some point I know I mentioned the 17 yr old engaged and preggers thing b/c Gunnie said ‘oops’ and I said “No oops. Never say oops. Oops is bad” He didn’t quite get it at first, but did eventually. I also made some sort of crack to Foodie and the guys when someone said something about “he’d get lost in the bush” and responded that “no he wouldn’t.” Foodie’s reaction was basically “well, damn” and the other two were kinda blown away in general and confused.

So after entirely too much talking on my part, I left for Irish’s and got there around 9. He was asleep. I curled up next to him and we napped together shortly. Then we watched Chuck and House with Jack and cokes. I was hoping he was going to get a bit drunk and want to fool around. I was wrong. We went to bed and I stopped reading early again. Then I started touching his stomach and back and kissing up and down his side since he had his back to me. After a long time, he finally said that he wasn’t in the mood and to try him in the morning. I was a bit annoyed because I was a bit frustrated already, but knew I couldn’t do anything about it and tried to go to sleep.

Sleep didn’t come. I tried. I ended up turning my light back on and reading for awhile until I finally felt I was a bit sleepy. He had fallen asleep about an hour or so before me at this point. I figured if nothing else, that’d help the morning thing. I always wake up before him and then can’t keep still or fall back asleep.

Throughout the night, we were both restless, him his usual self, and me too hopped up on caffeine to stay knocked out. A few times in the night, I tried to get curled up to him and failed miserably. It wasn’t until I stopped trying that he actually got close to me. At some point, he rolled over when I was on my side and pulled me to him, pulling himself closer as well. He wrapped his arms all the way around me and put his mouth on my neck and the back of my head and sighed. This warm feeling of just, pure awesome spread through my body. I could hardly believe he was doing it. I snuggled down and enjoyed the time being held by him, even if it was just in his sleep so it was his subconscious doing it. At least I know that his subconscious has feelings for me.

Every time we ended up apart after that, he still managed to move back to pull me in once more, getting into the same position each time. It was amazing and awesome. I felt loved for maybe the first time in this relationship. It just felt… wow. I hardly have to words.

After awhile, I tried doing some light grinding of my butt to his pelvis and stroked my leg up and down his in what I hoped was a sexual way. He shifted and moved against me a bit but nothing major. It took quite a few episodes of trying like that to finally get his attention. In fact, what finally did it was when I reached my leg back, rubbing against his, and then bent it so that it was behind him. It felt almost yoga-ish. He responded. He slid his hand down from its place under my head and slid it onto my leg, rubbing softly.

—— omitted ——

I just lay on my stomach, pleased as anything. In the after glow, I said “Good morning. I like waking up like this.” He chuckled and we curled up together and went back to sleep for awhile.

After I got up to take a shower, I heard him get up too. Then there were noises in the kitchen and I was thinking about making egg sandwiches for breakfast. When I came out of the shower, he had made scrambled eggs with 2 forks so that I was clearly supposed to have some. It was very cool. Then we installed his new taillights and antenna and I helped, kinda.

We went out and ran some errands that he had to do, going to gamestop and such, then walked the mall awhile, hitting Borders and trying to catch AngryGinger at work at Apple, but that failed. I also had forgotten my wallet so I couldn’t buy anything I wanted anyway. We were leaving the mall and he asked if I was hungry, and I was, but I also knew I didn’t have any money, so I made it clear to him that we could go anywhere he wanted to and I can’t complain about it, since he’s definitely paying for it. I think the odd look he gave me and the general confusion meant that he had intended to pay regardless, and while I don’t know if that’s true, it’s a nice idea.

We decided on Ruby Tuesday and were going to get drinks, but then I realized I didn’t have my ID on me. Luckily the guy didn’t ask for it so he got a martini, medium dry, stirred, and I got a Ruby Relaxer. After waffling on what I wanted for actual food, I ended up getting BBQ chicken with broccoli and mashed potatoes. It was good. I then found out that he likes Tiramisu. I was almost speechless. I have never met anyone else that actually liked it. I told him this. We got one and split it. It was delicious.

We went to a car parts/accessories place and ArtPunk  finally called me back about Saturday night festivities. They were going to a show in Towson then the bar near it at midnight. I knew it didn’t sound that great and then adding the late night factor into it, I decided against it. Then told Irish about it. He was in agreement of the stupidity of the event for the 2 of us.

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Backup plan

May 10, 2010 in Mindpieces | Permalink

Turned in my final from last semester instead, the crime scene thing. Oh well.

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And not in the fun dirty way

May 10, 2010 in Mindpieces | Permalink

Mike fell asleep. We’re fucked. Oh wait, no… I’M fucked!

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Debt is not about the journey

May 10, 2010 in Mindpieces | Permalink

So the burgers were good except for the being rare part. I just can’t eat meat that way. My stomach has been doing sick lurches ever since. That and I had to chug half a Killians before driving to Gunnie’s because Irish wanted to leave for his parents’ place to say a Happy Mother’s day to them. I was a bit bitter about leaving because of our conversation right before that and I think he was too.

A commercial came on that asked “Do you have 5, 10, 15 or even 25000 dollars of credit card debt?” At which point, he said, “yeah about that much.” This confused the hell outta me. I knew that he’d had some trouble with credit before and that he had to deal with it for awhile, but I thought it was merely affecting his current score, not that it was currently a problem. I prodded and shouldn’t have. He snapped at me when I finally got it out of him. I regretted it immediately. I had forgotten about it. I tried to apologize, but the tension in the living room could’ve been cut with a knife it was so thick. But then a few minutes later, he asked “Shouldn’t you be going soon?” “Yeah, I’m going. I gotta finish my beer and then go drive. I’m a winner!” and then a few minutes later, he turned to me and just gave me this look that burned into me, searing me to my core. “Well?” “What?” “You should go” “I know, I am” “Well I wanna leave” “Jesus! Fine!” and chugged the remaining half of my killians, got up and threw the bottle away and stormed off to collect my stuff to leave.

When I finally get my stuff together, I started out the door and he followed. “Seeya later, good luck, have fun.” Snidely and full of bitterness, I said “yeah, whatever.” After getting into my car, I almost cried right there. I teared up a bit after he pulled away, then I sped out of the driveway and was right behind him until he pulled off to go to his parents’ house.

I got to Gunnie’s and was bitter, hurt, and already exhausted. He caught on quickly and responded with “Oh, no…” “Yeah…” Foodie was there playing video games and I said hello briefly. I sat down in the dining room trying to get started, but then said “So that reading you did for me the other day? It was way too accurate.” “That’s… not what I wanted to hear. I’m so sorry. Well, at least it’s supposed to end well.” “yeah but the journey through hell is the problem.”

I started telling them(Gunnie, his mother, and Foodie) about everything that had happened in the recent few days, including the conversation about BoobsMcGee, the general tenseness, and the fight about the credit thing.

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Baby steps

May 9, 2010 in Mindpieces | Permalink

He doesn’t seem to realize that two can play the cold and heartless game. But I really don’t want to play that. I want to be affectionate. I want him to be affectionate. Hell, I just want him to make some sort of effort to be cute or cuddly or loving and caring or something toward me. The occasional kiss, hug, backrub, leg squeeze, anything. I’m big on contact. Any kind of contact. Why won’t he just give me that?

I’m working on getting him to open up to it, but it’s a slow process. I don’t know why he’s so closed off though. I mean, even today I was trying to show him that all he really has to do is show some affection and I’ll respond.

I yoinked his Dr. Pepper today and had a few sips then put it on the table in front of me, instead of back in his hand. After a few minutes, he pointed at the bottle and made grabbing motions. “Use your words like a big boy” “It’s not in my hand and it should be” “Well how do you think you can get it back?” “You give it back to me, since it belongs in my hands and you took it.” “No, what’s the one thing that you can do to get me to give you something?” “I don’t know, tell you to do it?” “No.” I got close to his face with mine, trying to give him a not-so-subtle hint toward it. “Really? You don’t remember what you can do?” “I don’t know.” “Ugh, just come here!” I kissed him quickly and pointedly, then handed him the soda. “That’s it. All you have to do is kiss me and you can have what you want.” “Um, ok.” “I don’t know why you haven’t learned this yet. Dammit, I’m going to make you show affections somehow! Ugh!” He seemed confused, but then drank his soda and moved on in his head.

I just need to keep reminding myself “baby steps, baby steps.”

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