What do you do when you start questioning a choice you thought was already made?

Specifically, I thought I didn’t want kids. For six years I’ve thought this. Then something forced me to actually consider it. And now I don’t know what to choose. I thought I had made up my mind so long ago. But now I’m thinking… It’d be nice to have one.

I thought I couldn’t afford a child. Or support one. I never thought I’d find someone who would actually be a good father.

And then I did.

And it’s made me reconsider everything I’ve thought about children for the last six years. Teaching the students at camp makes me question it a little every year too. Also, while reading Jenny Lawson’s book, I couldn’t help but tear up when she was talking about all her problems when trying to have Hailey. Holding my nephew, Theo, has also put a twang of want into my heart. I always wanted to be “Cool Aunt Jenn”. But now… I kinda want to be “Mom”.

Everything in my life seems to be pointing me to a new direction now. One where I can see a future. One that is past getting married and being childless all my life. One where I see someone I’ve raised turn into an adult. A direction that I’ve never explored, because I’ve been scared. Scared to be responsible for a human life. Scared to commit to something so permanent. But also, scared that I can’t even do any of that. Knowing my family history, I’m not sure if I can have kids, at least not easily. And the thought of letting a husband down like that… is almost overwhelming.

I guess though, if I have a husband who actually loves me, then he won’t hate me for not being able to give him kids. And there’s always the option of adoption, but that’s another big choice and a whole other can of worms.

Having children is a choice I thought I had already made, and to the negative side. But now… I feel like that choice has become more fluid. If I get into a situation where I could have a kid and raise it properly… then I would like to do that. But if I never get into that place, that’s okay too.

Adulting is hard, guys.