Mindpieces

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Broken Inside

May 13, 2014 in Mindpieces | Permalink

I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. I feel broken inside. Dead. Something snapped a few weeks ago and nothing has fixed it yet. I don’t know what to do about it.

I no longer have zest for life. No fervor. No passion. My hobbies don’t fulfill me the way they should. And my social engagements aren’t as happy and fulfilling as I would like them to be. Because I can’t feel anything positive. All I feel is pain. Anger. Irritation. Apathy. Depression.

I just want to curl up and cry most days now.

I’ve been emotionally distant from everyone, though trying to hide it. I’ve lost my love for everything – activities, things, people, …myself. It’s not fair to Spike. It’s not fair to me. It’s not fair to others who love me or are just starting to love me.

I need to find happiness. I need to rediscover myself and my love for life. I need another vacation. I need to figure this out.

I just want to love again.

…

…

…

But… How?

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I’m Not Crazy, Right?

November 14, 2013 in Mindpieces | Permalink

Women have been taught to question themselves incessantly these days. Is what we’re doing okay? Is what we’re feeling the right way to feel? Are we being too sensitive? Are we crazy merely because someone said we are?

This article from the Huffington Post really says it all.

At its base, calling women “crazy” is a way of waving away any behavior that men might find undesirable while simultaneously absolving those same men from responsibility. Why did you break up with her? Well, she was crazy. Said something a woman might find offensive? Stop being so sensitive.

The idea of the “crazy” woman is so vague and nebulous that it can apply to just about any scenario.

“Crazy” has become this all-encompassing word to describe a woman’s behavior. I’ve heard men say I was crazy. Hell, I’ve heard it as why they broke up with me, but that doesn’t mean ANYTHING. Especially when the breakup was mutual or because he couldn’t cope with the normal relationship emotional needs.

I’m not crazy and just because someone says I am something, doesn’t make it true. Sure, I have some emotional issues, but so does everyone. Everyone has baggage. But really, when I think about it, maybe those “issues” are just what society has forced me to think of as problems and maybe they’re just completely normal, female emotions.

I’m not crazy. I’m normal. And there’s nothing anyone can say to change that, because all the proof I need is inside my head, inside my heart, and that’s all I need. Just me.

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Barnes and Un-Noble

October 30, 2013 in Mindpieces | Permalink

Seriously? The Nook Glowlight?! Now they’re just copying Amazon. Ridiculous. And it’s the same price as the Kindle too. With optional smart covers, just like Kindle. Now I definitely will never like Barnes and Noble. Amazon is and always will be my book venue of choice.

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What Does the Pony Say?

September 30, 2013 in Mindpieces | 1 comment

By now, many of you have seen the following video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jofNR_WkoCE

But have you seen the ponified version? It’s amazing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?&v=rdyFy15BbtU

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One Month Down

May 28, 2013 in Mindpieces | Permalink

So today marks officially one month. Spike came to my party on Saturday and it was kinda hard to be around him. I’m not sure how to function as just his friend. I’m working on moving on already but it’s slow going and emotionally taxing.

The guy I’ve been talking to, lets call him Badass, is still talking to me and definitely likes me. We finally met on Sunday and it went really well. We’re supposed to go to my hometown’s carnival on Thursday. So that should be pretty awesome. He even texted me after we parted ways with how much he liked me and how well he thought it went. Again, I’m unsure of how I feel about starting a new relationship just yet, but I know that it’s probably the best way to get over Spike.

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Two weeks and counting

May 11, 2013 in Mindpieces | Permalink

It’s been two weeks since Spike and I broke up. Things have been up and down since then, and it’s been a little rough. Like with many of my breakups, I wasn’t even sure at first how to continue with my life. I felt things would be so different without him around. And while they are different, they’re also not necessarily bad. And we’re trying to still be friends which is helpful. Though I do really miss him sometimes.

I’m working on just being me and enjoying life by myself and with friends. I find that I’m happiest when I’m with friends like TinyFists and Hiker. Whether we’re hiking or hot tubbing or just chilling and drinking wine or martinis. I’ve even been using iMoodJournal on my phone to track how I’m feeling. It’s been really helpful for tracking my moods and finding when I feel my best. It just happens that those times are when I’m being social and with friends.

In order to connect with new people and make new friends or relationship possibilities, I’ve joined OkCupid. I’ve been talking to a couple guys on there and have been weeding through what I want and don’t want. I found that you discover a lot about yourself when you have to fill out a profile for a dating site and have to shuffle through so many profiles of others, looking for all the traits you want in a significant other. While I’m not necessarily ready for a new relationship just yet, I’m not going to run away from something that seems like it could be promising for long-term. These things happen when you’re not particularly looking for them.

I’ve been emailing and texting with a guy fairly regularly for about a week, and it seems like it could be promising. So that’s a positive thing that’s been happening. He’s been encouraging me to do things for me and is helping me find the things that I actually like to do alone. He’s been helping me uncover the reasons for why I am the way I am and figuring out what needs to be fixed before being in a new relationship. If nothing else, he’s very flattering and makes me feel good about myself, making my self-esteem skyrocket, which is always a good thing for me and definitely something I need right now.

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Frugal Festivities

December 12, 2012 in Mindpieces | Permalink

Christmas this year will be very lean as far as presents go. I’ve realized that I can’t even spend money on my family or boyfriend this year because of my current financial situation. It’s unfortunate. So I’m trying to be creative with presents. Making things instead of buying. I hope they still mean a lot to the recipients and bring them just as much joy as an actual purchased gift. I can’t say any specifics on what I’m doing though, since Spike reads this blog, but I’m definitely putting the most effort of all into his presents. I’m almost done for him, but then I have to work on everyone else’s.

I can’t even afford to throw a Christmas party this year, which I really was hoping to do. Sigh. Oh well. Maybe I’ll do one in mid-January to bring in the new year and such.

The good news is that we’ve worked out the family stuff so that my family will have dinner on Sunday with Spike. Then on Christmas Eve, I’ll have a half day at work, then Spike and I will drive to PA to see his family. I’m really excited to see everyone and give presents to his niece and nephew. Then we’ll come back late Christmas day from PA after a lovely dinner with his parents.

Hoping it all goes smoothly…

Oh, and Spike swapped for the iPhone 5. I am happy.

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Phone vs. Phone

November 30, 2012 in Mindpieces | Permalink

 

image from gadgetreview.com

Recently I’ve been having a war within myself about something that seems stupid and shallow from any outside viewpoint. It has no good reasoning and is absolutely preposterous, and yet I can’t change my viewpoint on it. It’s based on the iPhone versus the Samsung S3, or really any non-iPhone.

Basically, Spike has been wanting a new phone. Though really he just wants to be on Verizon instead of AT&T. But since he’s switching, he needs to trade in his iPhone 4S for something else. He doesn’t want the iPhone 5 so he’s going non-iPhone. The Samsung Galaxy S3. At first I was confused as to why he would make that choice. But after a lot of talking, it made a bit of sense. And he wanted to try something new. He’s totally entitled to that. Better a new phone than a new girlfriend, I suppose. Sigh.

Finally we talked details and I told him that objectively I agree with his reasoning to get the S3. I don’t like it. I’m totally unhappy about it. But it’s his decision and it’s his phone. And I’m not gonna be the girl that says “if you don’t do what I want, I’ll break up with you” because that’s just asinine.

So today he went and bought the S3. It marks the end of iMessaging with him, or potentially playing games together, and completely destroys any hope of FaceTiming each other to say goodnight or something. I don’t like texting with my phone when I’m at work and iMessage alleviated that problem. Since it is on my computer, I just type on my keyboard like normal and it doesn’t take as long. I know we can use Skype instead and that’s good, but it’s not as good. It also means that whenever I finally get my app done for iTunes, he won’t be able to play it on his phone. He’ll have to use his iPad at home. A small thing, but still.

I’m terrified that it’ll create a technological wedge in the relationship and eventually tear us apart. Not that the iPhone is the only thing holding us together, because I’ll love him regardless of his phone. I just worry about these things. Maybe it’s just me being paranoid, I don’t know. What I do know is that I was very upset and a bit shaky when he first told me in a serious way that he wanted to make the switch. I couldn’t control it.

One of my big things that I look for in a boyfriend is a love of Apple products, which includes using an iPhone. It’s weird. It’s shallow. It might be a little crazy. But I’ve never gotten along with people better than I do with iPhone people. My closest friends and coworkers use iPhones or at least Macs. He’ll still have an iPad and a MacBook Pro, but it’s not the same. I’m a techno-snob I guess. To me, dating a guy without an iPhone is like dating a guy who doesn’t eat chocolate. Or something. You get the point. I just know that I am automatically attracted to men that have iPhones. Or it certainly adds to any attraction that had been there in the first place. It’s one of the things that pulled me to Spike. He’s an Apple guy. He likes Apple products and uses them everyday. I absolutely loved that about him. I thought he was more of an Apple enthusiast than he actually is, but that’s okay. Fanaticism is not a requirement. Just knowing and admitting that Apple is better than Windows is good enough.

Anyway, he says he’ll try out the S3 for awhile and if he doesn’t like it, then maybe he’ll switch to an iPhone again. I don’t even know which way I want it to go.

Really, I just want him to be happy.

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Haircut Success

November 19, 2012 in Mindpieces | Permalink

The haircut was a success. Very cute and it works. Everyone at the belated Halloween party last night thought it was cute. I also had it faux-hawked all day. I had the stylist do it and it stayed up and spiked all day and night. Very cool. This morning it looked like a mixture of bed head and intentional spikes. Not sure if I can do anything spiky or hawked for work though. But regardless, it’s super soft because of the texturing that the stylist did, which is awesome.

The party last night was a lot of fun. Most people came costumed, as requested. Many also brought shareables, which is always awesome. The DrunkScience portion of the evening was in the form of Pictionary. At the beginning of the night, the group solved 21 words in 5 minutes. Two hours later, that number decreased to 16 in 5 minutes. Obviously the alcohol had an effect on the group’s guessing and the abilities of the drawer (me). To make this a better experiment, I should have remained sober the whole time. But what fun would that have been? Heh. As it was, the party was great and everyone seems to have had a good time. Though I was exhausted by 2am and was the first to fall asleep. It happens.

Spike and I were laying around all day today relaxing and watching Psych. He had to go to work so I continued without him for awhile. But then got bored and played some Borderlands 2. Got bored with that pretty quickly too and now I’m back to Psych. I don’t know why I’ve had such a short attention span for things recently. That or I just feel blah and don’t want to do anything at all. The feeling is resurfacing so I think I’ll just go to bed now. Goodnight all.

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Haircut Hopes

November 17, 2012 in Mindpieces | Permalink

Last night we worked on getting Spike’s new apartment looking like a real apartment and not a storage unit full of boxes. I helped by alphabetizing his DVDs because I’m crazy like that. I also put little felt footies on things so that his hardwood floor doesn’t get all scratched up from chairs sliding and such.

Now I’m sitting at the hair salon waiting for my turn. For the first time in my life, I’m early for a haircut appointment. I’ve been coming to the same girl a couple times now and haven’t been let down yet. But I’m getting it cut even shorter than before so we’ll see how this goes.

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