Mike fell asleep. We’re fucked. Oh wait, no… I’M fucked!
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So the burgers were good except for the being rare part. I just can’t eat meat that way. My stomach has been doing sick lurches ever since. That and I had to chug half a Killians before driving to Gunnie’s because Irish wanted to leave for his parents’ place to say a Happy Mother’s day to them. I was a bit bitter about leaving because of our conversation right before that and I think he was too.
A commercial came on that asked “Do you have 5, 10, 15 or even 25000 dollars of credit card debt?” At which point, he said, “yeah about that much.” This confused the hell outta me. I knew that he’d had some trouble with credit before and that he had to deal with it for awhile, but I thought it was merely affecting his current score, not that it was currently a problem. I prodded and shouldn’t have. He snapped at me when I finally got it out of him. I regretted it immediately. I had forgotten about it. I tried to apologize, but the tension in the living room could’ve been cut with a knife it was so thick. But then a few minutes later, he asked “Shouldn’t you be going soon?” “Yeah, I’m going. I gotta finish my beer and then go drive. I’m a winner!” and then a few minutes later, he turned to me and just gave me this look that burned into me, searing me to my core. “Well?” “What?” “You should go” “I know, I am” “Well I wanna leave” “Jesus! Fine!” and chugged the remaining half of my killians, got up and threw the bottle away and stormed off to collect my stuff to leave.
When I finally get my stuff together, I started out the door and he followed. “Seeya later, good luck, have fun.” Snidely and full of bitterness, I said “yeah, whatever.” After getting into my car, I almost cried right there. I teared up a bit after he pulled away, then I sped out of the driveway and was right behind him until he pulled off to go to his parents’ house.
I got to Gunnie’s and was bitter, hurt, and already exhausted. He caught on quickly and responded with “Oh, no…” “Yeah…” Foodie was there playing video games and I said hello briefly. I sat down in the dining room trying to get started, but then said “So that reading you did for me the other day? It was way too accurate.” “That’s… not what I wanted to hear. I’m so sorry. Well, at least it’s supposed to end well.” “yeah but the journey through hell is the problem.”
I started telling them(Gunnie, his mother, and Foodie) about everything that had happened in the recent few days, including the conversation about BoobsMcGee, the general tenseness, and the fight about the credit thing.
He’s making burgers and just came in to tell me. I put an arm around him and was rubbing his side gently, then grabbed the loop on the side of his jeans and tugged him gently toward me. The angle that he was standing, I couldn’t get up high enough to kiss him, but then he leaned down a bit, so I hugged him, then pulled away, feeling a bit silly for hugging him randomly. Then I just tilted up to kiss him though, at which point he actually returned the kiss, opening his mouth a bit to slide his tongue between my lips (hehehe) and started kissing me in a much better way than what I had been expecting. I had a moment of “wow” and of breathlessness, where I had to realize that this was not the time nor the place to start getting randy.
With my head still spinning though, I asked smirking, “So how long do burgers take?” “about 5 minutes a side” “damn, alright” I had actually considered taking him right then. I’ve had a lot of those moments recently. I keep wanting to jump him randomly, and he keeps giving me reason to. I mean hell, I wanted to jump the table at Houlihans and rawr him right there. Gah. He is so delicious. And the burgers are ready. Woot!
Tags: cheesecake, Irish
He doesn’t seem to realize that two can play the cold and heartless game. But I really don’t want to play that. I want to be affectionate. I want him to be affectionate. Hell, I just want him to make some sort of effort to be cute or cuddly or loving and caring or something toward me. The occasional kiss, hug, backrub, leg squeeze, anything. I’m big on contact. Any kind of contact. Why won’t he just give me that?
I’m working on getting him to open up to it, but it’s a slow process. I don’t know why he’s so closed off though. I mean, even today I was trying to show him that all he really has to do is show some affection and I’ll respond.
I yoinked his Dr. Pepper today and had a few sips then put it on the table in front of me, instead of back in his hand. After a few minutes, he pointed at the bottle and made grabbing motions. “Use your words like a big boy” “It’s not in my hand and it should be” “Well how do you think you can get it back?” “You give it back to me, since it belongs in my hands and you took it.” “No, what’s the one thing that you can do to get me to give you something?” “I don’t know, tell you to do it?” “No.” I got close to his face with mine, trying to give him a not-so-subtle hint toward it. “Really? You don’t remember what you can do?” “I don’t know.” “Ugh, just come here!” I kissed him quickly and pointedly, then handed him the soda. “That’s it. All you have to do is kiss me and you can have what you want.” “Um, ok.” “I don’t know why you haven’t learned this yet. Dammit, I’m going to make you show affections somehow! Ugh!” He seemed confused, but then drank his soda and moved on in his head.
I just need to keep reminding myself “baby steps, baby steps.”
Tags: bitching, Irish, relationships
So today I had planned to hit Iron Man 2 with Irish at 11:15 and then hop over to How to Train your Dragon, but we decided against it. We woke up latish, after me tossing and turning and not wanting to wake him up, but also not wanting to leave the bed, with the silly and irrational hope of getting morning sex. I grabbed my book “Wyrd Sisters” for awhile and then he finally woke up. We made sandwiches then headed to Lowes for yardwork supplies, which I kept saying were for him, cuz I wasn’t gonna help. I kept making excuses that I’d be useless and I have homework to work on, but that didn’t change things, He just kept saying “No, you’re helping with the yardwork” Then he bought gardening gloves for me and I knew he wasn’t kidding.
We got back and I changed into the green tanktop I’d brought for “partying” that wasn’t going to get used for such, so I figured, why not? I pulled all the weeds from his front path and rock bed. There was some sort of huge-ass devil plant that was embedded in the side of the house that I had to get out. It had huge spiders all over it and then at the end of it all, I found this huge caterpillar. It was black with red stripes(yes Irish, like the beer) and huge and furry. It didn’t really look like a caterpillar at all really. And then i poked at it and it shot some sort of odd green goo at me. I had to show it to Irish, but I really wanted to just kill it. It wasn’t really moving, but when we came back out after showering, it was gone. I have no idea where it scurried off to.
We went to his parents house to return the borrowed weedwacker and I said hello to them all. I told his dad about Dr. Voodoo being on the app store and that we’ve sold 15 copies already. It was very cool. I told IrishSis about Irish making me do yardwork with him and she basically said, “you could’ve said No” but I explained that even after telling him I should work on homework and my project and that I’d be little use out there, he still was adamant.
We saw his mom on the way out the door and she was talking about the blanket she’s making for Nephew and then I told her about the blanket I’ve been making that’s Ravens colors, but now has to be just a purple black and gold blanket, since it’s not a very Ravens friendly environment around Irish’s place.
In the car, we then had a convo about BoobsMcGee and how it makes me crazy and jealous when I think about them and when I saw the way he looked at her and how that makes me feel like complete shit. he seemed to take it as a problem, and said that i have to get over it cuz she’s a good friend and is gonna be around a lot. It was awkward. I made the point that i was just being honest and he said “you’re an idiot, I’m just being honest” “I really wanna hit you so hard right now, I’m just being honest” we laughed, but Idk what he’s thinking about the whole thing anymore.
We went out to Houlihans for dinner at around 345 and he got a black and tan and then after a few minutes of menu searching I ordered a Sex in the City Blonde Ambition. I think it was a mix of Vodka, honey, lemon, and lime. We both got burgers with green beans on the side.
When the bill finally came, there was a moment of “Are you covering yours?” and I said “I’m your girlfriend now, that means I shouldn’t have to pay anymore” he said smirking “no, it means that I don’t have to try anymore cuz now I got you” I said “well, I don’t have a job” he seemed to have forgotten that and then we got in an interestingly tense convo about that briefly. He ended up paying for it, which was cool.
We went over to Columbia mall to see Iron Man 2 but it was sold out so we took some sort of long-ass route to Arundel Mills to see it at Muvico. He paid for my ticket, begrudgingly, but he did it. I then offered to buy snacks, as a sort of peace offering and to show that he doesn’t need to pay for everything, but that it’s just very appreciated when he does it sometimes, especially when it’s meals and dates.
The movie itself was very awesome. We sat in the front row, like for Avatar and then about 2/3rds of the way through it or so, I finally got snuggled up to him. The seat next to me was empty, so it made it a lot easier. He actually put his arm around me and after awhile he even put his hand on mine. When it was almost the end of the movie though, I had to shift because my back was just hurting like mad. I took his hand and he didn’t return it, but didn’t shrink back from it either.
After leaving the theatre, I realized how bad my sunburn really was. We decided to swing by my place and grab some stuff for my sunburn, a coat, and tennis shoes. It was on the drive over there that I realized I really want to go running tomorrow, but then I forgot to grab my inhaler and I realized I have to work tomorrow. So I guess I won’t be running.
We went back to Irish’s place and then AngryGinger showed up while Irish was putting sunburn stuff on me. The three of us hung out for awhile, them playing Resident Evil 5 some more and me watching for awhile until I realized I should finish the key building model. So I did that, then brought my computer out to the living room to type this. After many hours of them playing, we finally loaded up Guitar Hero and went for a Rockfest achievement. This meant that I couldn’t sing because it had to be 4 of the same instrument. I got bored with it fairly quickly and the 4 or 5 drinks I’d had apparently weren’t affecting me at all.
Eventually, I stopped playing and then AngryGinger left when the playlist set was over. Irish announced that he was drunk and was going to bed. I followed, griping that I wasn’t drunk and that it made no sense. After a bit of coercion while he was reading, he finally returned my advances and started kissing me.
—— omitted ——
In the afterglow, we curled up together once again, me ignoring the pain of the sunburn in order to just be close to him.
Girls Night with TinyFists was really great. Chocolate martinis, wine, crab stuffed mushrooms, hot tubbing, and girl talk. We talked about her life and the dating situations we’re both involved in right now. Her aunt kept asking me about Irish and getting small details that made her say “dump him” a lot, but I just laughed it off. She said it mostly because he hasn’t paid for my food and such all the time, though I disputed it a bit. He’s paid a few times, and so have I, but usually we go dutch. Our most recent trip to Wendy’s he paid, and then he makes pizza for the two of us, and yesterday we went to his parents again for a steak cookout, which he paid for, saying that the leftover cuts would be for us at a later time. It made me realize he intends for me to be there for dinner very soon. Yay steak!
While at his parents house, his mother asked if I was coming with them to Tennessee for their reunion. I told her I hadn’t been invited. She said, “well now you are, because I’m inviting you.” Then she asked IrishSis, who had just walked in, “Wouldn’t it be great if she came with us to Tennessee?” She thought it was cool, but apparently thought I was already coming. Irish brought up the problem that he didn’t know where I’d be sleeping, and his mom and IrishSis said that he’s an adult and we’d be staying in the same bed. I tried hard not to blush, but I’m sure I failed. So then I said to Irish that he should try to get off work that whole week so we can go to North Carolina with ArmyHusband and BoobsMcGee, then just drive over to Tennessee. He agreed that it’s best, but he doesn’t know if he can do that. So it’s fairly final that I’m going to Tennessee at least, which is unexpected but awesome.
After we got home I asked him if he actually wanted me to come with him and he said, “Yeah, I mean, if you want to.” Then I asked what the controversy was with the sleeping arrangements. He said it was because his grandmother is paying for the hotel rooms and he didn’t think she’d like him to bring his girlfriend. My breath caught. “So I’m your girlfriend now?” “Well yeah, I mean after all this and everything and it’s been awhile, so it just should be that by now I think.” I was still taken aback. I told him I had been trying to ask him about it recently, but failing at bringing it up. “I know. I’ve been ignoring it.” “Nice…so…you’re my boyfriend then…” “That’s usually how these things work” he laughed. “Ha, I know, I’m just trying to let my brain process it.” He went back to playing Batman and later when we were going to bed, I brought it up again. “So how long have you thought of me as your girlfriend?” “Well we got home from my parents about 4 hours ago…” “Really? Seriously just today? I mean, that’s fine, but I just was wondering…” “Stop being girly and go to sleep.” I had no response to that. I couldn’t even make words. Ever since then, I’ve been girly and squealing inside, and I don’t know when it’s gonna end, but I’m not complaining. Plus he kissed me goodbye again today.
Tags: holidays, Irish, relationships
So I’ve talked to TinyFists and Gunnie about the situation and the overwhelming feeling is that I’m not the one who is the unsure element and that it’s not me that needs to change. While they have been saying things to me and getting on me for going into this relationship, they know I’m not being stupid about it. They just care about me and don’t want me getting hurt, which is nice of them. They’ve basically said that the one who needs to figure things out, is him. He needs to decide what he wants out of this. He needs to decide how he feels about me. Because whether he admits it or not, this is a relationship. It’s not a serious one, granted, but it is one.
Even though I told myself that I wasn’t going to get involved in another relationship too fast, that’s exactly what I’ve done. Not really complaining however, since my time with Irish tends to have very healing effects. Also, the word ‘love’ is not in my vocabulary right now. The concept is there, but I know that it’s something that I shouldn’t be thinking about. I’ve got my whole life to find love, but right now I can enjoy whatever is the closest I can get to it. I also know that while he may or may not be Mr. Right, I know that he is Mr. Right Now, and that’s good enough for me. It’s a good start, anyway. Will he ever feel the same way that I do? Who knows? But what I know is that I just wish he’d tell me where his head’s at and what he’s feeling. The thing that is the worst is the waiting and not knowing. But maybe I really don’t wanna know… sigh…
Tags: Irish, relationships
In a perfect world, it’s the girl’s decision how things will play out when relationships are beginning, especially when there are 2 men vying for the same woman’s affections. But in my world, which is far from perfect, it’s the guy’s call. It seems like it happens every time, and I never get to have control. I always just end up chasing them until I wear them down enough and they finally give up. I’ll spend a ridiculous amount of time with them, try to be involved in their life, and be a part of everything they do. Until finally, they secede and I’m suddenly in a relationship. This needs to change.
I need to change. How? I’m not so sure, but I know it has to be done. Just like I knew that the breakup with Jay had to happen. This is just one of those things. I need to stop pushing myself at a guy so much and so consistently. I need to stop giving exponentially more than I’m getting back.
Though I tell myself this, yet again, this time actually committing it to writing, I know that it’s not that easy. I know that I will continue throwing myself 100% into this thing with Irish, while only being caught by maybe 50% of him. I feel like I could change things by telling him how I feel, but i also fear that he’d not return it, then end the whole endeavor. Neither of us are going for something serious, but I don’t know what exactly I want anymore.
On the one hand, I know that I enjoy the time I spend with him very much and that the things we do and the times we have are absolutely amazing. Not to mention that I feel more attracted to him than I have to anyone in years. Maybe ever. He’s just amazing, honestly. The way I feel when I’m with him is better than anything from recent relationships. And the way he makes me laugh, well that’s also amazing. He’s intelligent, swarthy, coy, suave, and so many other things that don’t even begin to describe him enough. He has his moments, yes, but don’t we all? But then he has his amazing moments, like last night: he grabbed my water and cell phone and brought them to bed, knowing I would want them, without me asking or anything. We’ve also had our little adorable moments of cute and sweet, with holding hands and cuddles. The night he kissed me on the forehead when I cuddled up to him, well it was just, wow. And every time he kisses me in the morning I feel warm and safe and amazing all day. I have the best days when I start them out by his side. I know that I’m falling for him, and I’m sure he doesn’t want me to, but I just can’t help it. I’m pouring myself into him entirely more than I should, but I can’t seem to stop. He’s just so… him.
On the other hand, I know, or at least from what he’s said, he doesn’t want a relationship. The thing is though, whether he realizes it or not, he’s in one. It’s just not serious. And I don’t know if I really want it to be serious or not just yet. I know that I shouldn’t get involved in another relationship after just getting out of one. But the fact of it is, I’ve been wanting to be with him ever since the day we met, so many months ago. And whether I wanted to admit it or not, I had already moved on from Jay, months before the breakup. So in essence, it feels like we’ve been together for 7 or 8 months, because we have. We just weren’t declared. I feel like he was holding back because of my relationship, but now I don’t know what’s holding him back. It could be anything. My lack of job or real place to live, my not being in shape, or even him just not being as attracted to me as I had hoped. I mean, I feel like I’m a 5 or 6, dating an 8 or 9. And I just don’t know what to do with myself. I feel like I’ve been throwing myself at him, and that it’s counterproductive. I don’t know. I feel like the more I show him how I feel, then the more he’ll pull away. But maybe I’m just being paranoid.
Tags: bitching, Irish, relationships, the past